jokes in psychiatry

A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He says, “It seems I can’t make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?”

Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.

A psychotic thinks that two and two are five.
A neurotic knows two and two are four — but he hates it.

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

A man goes to a Psychologist and says, “Doc I got a real problem, I can’t stop thinking about sex.”
The Psychologist says, “Well let’s see what we can find out”, and pulls out his ink blots. “What is this a picture of?” he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, “That’s a man and a woman on a bed making love.”
The Psychologist says, “very interesting,” and shows the next picture. “And what is this a picture of?”
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, “That’s a man and a woman on a bed making love.”

The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, “What is this a picture of?”
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, “That’s a man and a woman on a bed making love.”

The Psychologist states, “Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex.”
“Me!?” demands the patient. “You’re the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!”

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed.
To the first mother he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

He turned to the third mom. “Your obsession is alcohol and your child’s name is Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, let’s go home.”

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “NO! I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology, and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?!”

What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together? In the morning each of them says: “120 dollars, please.”

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. “Doctor, you must help me,” she pleaded. “It’s gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.”
“I see,” nodded the psychiatrist. “And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.”

“For God’s sake, NO!” exclaimed the woman. “I want you to fix it so I won’t feel guilty and depressed afterward.”

A psychologist is at a party talking with a small group of people, when a man comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. The psychologist turns around and the man hauls off and decks him. The psychologist gets up, brushes himself off, turns to the group and declares: “That’s his problem.”

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”
“Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it made a huge difference for me.”
“That’s great! What was the name of the clinic?”
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn’t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?”
“You mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s it!” He turned to his wife. . .”Rose, what was the name of that clinic?”

What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?
If you say to a psychiatrist “I hate my mother,” he will ask “Why do you say that?” while a psychologist will say “Thank you for sharing that with us.”

What’s the difference between a psychologist and a magician?
A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!

Once I had multiple personalities, but now we are feeling well.
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

The best thing about being schizophrenic is that I’m never alone.

Just because you are paranoid doesn’t mean people aren’t out to get you!

Hypochondria is the only illness that I don’t have.

I’ve always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I’d eat my M&M’s one by one with a glass of water.

Psychiatrist to his nurse: “Just say we’re very busy. Don’t keep saying ‘It’s a madhouse.'”

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
Because when it’s time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.

A psychologist returned from a conference in Aspen lodge, where all the psychologists were permitted to ski for free. Her husband asked her, “How it went?”. She replied, “Fine, but I’ve never seen so many Freudians slips.”

Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered.
The older looking one asks the other, “What’s your secret? Listening to other people’s problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me.”
The younger looking one replies, “Who listens?”

Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I’ve got hundreds of them.

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, “I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.”
“Of course.” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…”

In a psychiatrist’s waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, “Why are you here?”
The second answers, “I’m Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here.”
The first is curious and asks, “How do you know that you’re Napoleon?”
The second responds, “God told me I was.”
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, “NO I DIDN’T!”

A man who thinks he’s George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, “Tomorrow, we’ll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it.” As soon as he’s gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, “King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans.”

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night’s sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe’s former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. “Doc!” Joe says, “It’s amazing! I’m cured!”
“That’s great news!” the psychoanalyst says. “you seem to be doing much better. How?”
“I went to see another doctor,” Joe says enthusiastically, “and he cured me in just ONE session!”
“One?!” the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
“Yeah,” continues Joe, “my new doctor is a behaviorist.”
“A behaviorist?” the psychoanalyst asks. “How did he cure you in one session?”
“Oh, easy,” says Joe. “He told me to cut the legs off of my bed.”

A psychologist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him.
“For your kindness,” the genie said, “I will grant you one wish!” The psychologist paused, laughed, and replied, “I have always wanted a road from Hawaii to California.”

The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, “Listen, I’m sorry, but I can’t do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they’d have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement. That’s too much to ask.”

“OK,” the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. “I’m a psychologist. Make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!”

The genie paused, and then sighed, “Did you want two lanes or four?”

One behaviorist to another after lovemaking:
“Darling, that was wonderful for you. How was it for me?”

How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital?
The patients get better and leave.
Not everyone of the patients thinks he is God.
The staff have the keys!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I am a set of curtains!
Pull yourself together, man!
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a bell.
Well, just go home and if the feeling persists, give me a ring.

Doctor, doctor, people tell me I’m a wheelbarrow.
Don’t let people push you around.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m invisible.
Who said that?!

Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me.
What do you mean by that?

Doctor, doctor, People keep ignoring me!
Next!

Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I say.
Tell me the truth now, what’s your REAL problem?

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I’ll deal with you later.

Doctor, doctor, people keep telling me I’m ugly!
Lay on the couch, face down.

Doctor, Doctor, I can’t stop stealing things.
Take these pills for a week; if that doesn’t work I’ll have a color TV!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a spoon.
Sit there and don’t stir.

Doctor, doctor, I’m manic-depressive.
Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm…

Doctor, doctor, I keep trying to get into fights.
And how long have you had this complaint?
Who wants to know?

Doctor, doctor, I can’t concentrate, one minute I’m ok, and the next minute, I’m blank!
And how long have you had this complaint?
What complaint?

Doctor, doctor, I feel so short!
No problem. Hop up on the couch.

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a small bucket.
You do look a little pail.

Doctor, doctor, I’ve only got 59 seconds to live.
Wait a minute please.

Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears.
Don’t answer!

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I’m under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I JUST DID, DIDN’T I, YOU STUPID BASTARD!!!

Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a bridge.
What’s come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a cat.
How long has this been going on?
Oh, since I was a kitten!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a dog.
Lie down on the couch and I’ll examine you.
I can’t, I’m not allowed on the furniture.

How psychiatrists do it…
Psychiatrists do it on the couch.
Psychiatrists think they do it.
Psychiatrists do it for at least fifty dollars per session.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb will change itself when it’s ready.
Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.
Just one, but it takes nine visits.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
“How long have you been having this phantasy?”
“Why does the light bulb necessarily have to change?”
One, but he must consult the DSM-IV.

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?
“How many do you think it takes?”

After 12 years of therapy, my psychoanalyst said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “No hablo Ingles.”Ronnie Shakes (via Frederic Patterson)

A man walks into his psychiatrist’s office and claims he suffers from CDO.
His doctor looks puzzled and asks what he means.
It’s like OCD but everything has to be in alphabetical order!

Emma Carter

There a naked guy, and he wraps himself in Saran wrap and goes to see a psychologist. He walks in, and the doctor says “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts!”

Jose Jalapeno

Two psychologists pass each other in the hallway. One says to the other, “Hello!” After they pass, the second says to himself, “I wonder what he *meant* by that?”Jon James

I told my psychiatrist that I was talking to myself. I was surprised when he replied,
“That’s o.k.. Just hold a mobile phone by your mouth.”

Robert D Dangoor

The head psychiatrist decides it’s time to see whether some patients are ready to leave the “hospital” so he takes one to a room where there is a large, empty swimming pool, and a diving board overhanging it.

He takes the patient to the edge of the board and says: “Jump!” The patient jumps and breaks both his legs and is carried away.

The next patient is taken up and after the same injunction, jumps and breaks both her arms and is carried away.

The last patient is taken up and told to jump and he refuses.

The head psychiatrist says, “Congratulations! You have passed the test, and are free to leave, but tell me out of curiosity why you refused to jump.” The patient replies, “I can’t swim.”

David Crompton
Mr.S. went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. “you gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yourself in my care for two years,” said the doctor. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll sleep on it,” said Mr.S.
Six months later the doctor met Mr.S. on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.
“At a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for only ten dollars.”
“Really, How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had
saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a
bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer’s file and called him
into his office.
“Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that
you’re ready to go home. I’m only sorry that the man you saved
later killed himself with a rope around the neck.”
“Oh, he didn’t kill himself,” Mr. James replied. “I hung him up
to dry.”

Dr. Jones, a young psychiatrist begins his practice in an office building. After several weeks, he realizes that the older man he usually sees in the elevator each morning and evening is Dr. Smith, also a psychiatrist. Finally, after a month or two of frequently sharing the elevator, Dr. Jones pulls his skewed tie, rakes his fingers through his disarrayed hair and approaches his colleague: “Dr. Smith,” he says. “Every day I step into this elevator in the evening, exhausted and frazzled by the gut-wrenching stories of my patients, and you appear as calm and cool as you do each morning. Tell me, tell me please how to do it? How do you maintain your equanimity after listening to the woes of your patients.” “My dear Dr. Jones,” replied the older man. “Who listens?”

A patient is seeing his psychiatrist for the first time and is undergoing the Rorschach test. After each ink blot the patient excliams it is a couple copulating. The psychatrist stops the test and excliams, “You appear to have a preoccupation with sex.” And the patient replies, “You’re the one showing the dirty pictures

Patient: “I can’t decide whether to slash my wrists, or blow my brains out.”
Psychiatrist: “You have difficulty making decisions.”

Psychotics think 2+2 = 5. Neurotics know its 4, but they worry about it.
Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is reknowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks, “What are you doing?” She replies, “I’m studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society.” “Wow, that’s wonderful.” The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, “What are you doing?” “I’m studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out” Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis. The reaction of the psychiatrist, “My God what are you doing?” The man replied: “I’m fucking nuts and I’m never getting out of here”

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

Different Kinds of Therapy

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night’s sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.

A few weeks later, Joe’s former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. “Doc!” Joe says, “It’s amazing! I’m cured!”
“That’s great news!” the psychoanalyst says. “you seem to be doing much better. How?”
“I went to see another doctor,” Joe says enthusiastically, “and he cured me in just ONE session!”
“One?!” the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
“Yeah,” continues Joe, “my new doctor is a behaviorist.”
“A behaviorist?” the psychoanalyst asks. “How did he cure you in one session?”
“Oh, easy,” says Joe. “He told me to cut the legs off of my bed.”

In the Psychiatrist’s Office

Patient: “Doctor, my wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.”
Psychiatrist: “Nonsense! I like sausages too.”
Patient: “Good, you should come and see my collection. I’ve got hundreds of them.”

At an eye clinic

Patient: Doctor, doctor! I’m terribly worried! I keep seeing pink striped crocodiles every time I try to get to sleep.
Doctor: Have you seen a psychiatrist?
Patient: No – only pink striped crocodiles!

Psychiatrist to his nurse: “Just say we’re very busy. Don’t keep saying ‘It’s a madhouse.'”

The Psychology Experiment on Birds

An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field.

At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football game. The referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field.

The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

In the Shop

A person walked into a bookstore and asked the salesperson for a book that was made into a musical, which is still running. “Do you have Less Miserable?”

The salesperson replied, “Look in the psychology section.”

At the School Reunion

An engineer and a psychiatrist meet up for their 20th college reunion.

The engineer says, “I’m surprised to see you still looking so young. I’d have thought listening to people’s problems all day would have given you a mass of wrinkles.”

The psychiatrist says, “You think we listen?”

The Depressed Man at the Doctor’s

A man goes to the doctor. He says he’s depressed. He says life seems harsh and cruel. He says he feels all alone in a threatening world, where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.

The doctor says the treatment is simple. The great clown Terrifini is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.

The man bursts into tears: “But doctor . . . I am Terrifini.”

The Psychologist and the Genie

A psychologist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him. “For your kindness,” the genie said, “I will grant you one wish!”

The psychologist paused, laughed, and replied, “I have always wanted a road from Hawaii to California.”

The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, “Listen, I’m sorry, but I can’t do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they’d have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement. That’s too much to ask.”

“OK,” the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. “I’m a psychologist. Make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!”

The genie paused, and then sighed, “Did you want two lanes or four?”

Daily Affirmations for the Unstable

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so.”
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV.
Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
In Court

One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe no nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.

“Will you state your name?” asked the district attorney.

Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment. Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her dishevelled dress and hair and was re-seated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.

“Well, doctor,” continued the district attorney without changing expression, “we could start with an easier question.”

Professional Opinion is Always Best

A psychiatrist met an old patient and exclaimed, “I heard you died. ”

“But you see I’m alive ,” smiled the ex-patient.

“Impossible,” said the psychiatrist. “I was told you’d died by a colleague who’s had 22 peer-reviewed papers published, so his opinion’s bound to be much more reliable than yours.”

True story: The FBI Agents

FBI agents conducted a “search and seizure” at the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital in San Diego, which was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of poring over many rooms of financial records, some sixty FBI agents worked up quite an appetite. The case agent in charge of the investigation called a local pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. (verified true by Snopes)

The following telephone conversation took place:

Agent: Hello. I would like to order nineteen large pizzas and sixty-seven cans of soda.

Pizza man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: To the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital.

Pizza man: To the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That’s right. I’m an FBI agent.

Pizza man: You’re an FBI agent?

Agent: That’s correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza man: And you’re at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That’s correct. And make sure you don’t go through the front doors. We have them locked. You’ll have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza man: And you say you’re all FBI agents?

Agent: That’s right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza man: And you’re over at Southwood?

Agent: That’s right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza man: And everyone at Southwood is an FBI agent?

Agent: That’s right. We’ve been here all day and we’re starving.

Pizza man: How are you going to pay for this?

Agent: I have my check book right here.

Pizza man: And you are all FBI agents?

Agent: That’s right, everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza man: I don’t think so.
Click.

Who’s the Sanest, the Psychiatrist or the Patient?

A man who thinks he’s George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist.

He finishes up one session by telling him, “Tomorrow, we’ll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it.”

As soon as he’s gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, “King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans.”

The Conversation in the Waiting Room

In a psychiatrist’s waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, “Why are you here?”

The second answers, “I’m Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here.”

The first is curious and asks, “How do you know that you’re Napoleon?”

The second responds, “God told me I was.”

At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, “NO I DIDN’T!”

No Friends

A woman when to see a psychotherapist and said she was troubled by having no friends.

The therapist asked, “What do you think might be causing the problem?”

The woman said, “That’s what I’m paying you to tell me, of course! What, are you lazy and want me to do your job for you? If I knew already, I wouldn’t be here, would I, you fat ugly twwit!”

First Therapy Session

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. “I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.”

“Of course.” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…”

At the Job Interview

“I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist,” said the employer to the applicant. “Why did you leave?”

“Well,” she replied, “I just couldn’t win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive.”

Student Talking to the Wise Man

“Sir, What is the secret of your success?”
“Two words”
“And, Sir, what are they?”
“Right decisions.”
“And how do you make right decisions?”
“One word.”
“And, What is that?”
“Experience.”
“And how do you get Experience?”
“Two words”
“And, Sir, what are they?”
“Wrong decisions.”

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